The Truth

The truth of international adoption is it is hard. There are no guarantees, the waits are excruciating, and the disappointments seem endless. That is about where I am right now. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I got a picture of a four year old girl who needed a family. Four years old is much older than I wanted but she was beautiful and tugged at my heart springs. After a lot of careful prayers and consulting my village, I decided to pursue her. I could not believe it, I was a mother. Well that lasted two days. It turns out the little girl already had a family. There was a mistake made by the system. To say I was devastated is in understatement. I am grieving this loss, even two weeks later. I trust that God is in control. I trust that He will find my daughter. I was not going to share this but chances are if you are reading this you are somehow connected to adoption. My days will get better, I believe that. For now, I sit and wait and pull myself together

My mom came to visit which was just what the doctor ordered. We had a week of amazing memories. It is amazing how even at 30, my mommy can still make me feel better!  It was also nice to grieve together. It reminds me I am not alone AT ALL. She was in as much pain as me. We also ventured to Ikea which is always an adventure. My mom got Annie Mrgaret the cutest chandelier for her room.  I had been eyeing it for two years. We got pampered at a world class spa, we dined like queens, and we laughed late into the night. Even in this hard time, I know how blessed I am.


Comments

  1. mcApril 4, 2013 at 4:54 PM

    I'm so sorry this happened. That is so incredibly hard:( Hoping for good news for you again soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. KristenApril 4, 2013 at 6:55 PM

    What an amazing example of motherhood you've had by your mom that I know will be passed down to Sweet Annie Margaret!! I know there are no words for what you are feeling but you are right- the community is here and we are praying for you and sending love your way! God knows where she is and I do think that he is opening your heart- especially for her :) Hang in there friend!

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownApril 5, 2013 at 1:41 PM

    Colleen, you are an amazing person and you will be an amazing mother! As difficult as this time is, God has a plan for everything and remember God is with us!!!! We can pray that soon, very soon your world will be blessed with a referral. Life can be hard and you certainly have had your share of disappointment but the people in the adoption world that understand will also support you with their prayers. I know that our beautiful Annie Margaret will be with us soon. I love you with every ounce of my being and I am proud beyond words to be your mother, you make me so happy and you are my biggest blessing!! Mom

    ReplyDelete
  4. Peter and NancyApril 13, 2013 at 3:38 PM

    Hi Colleen,

    I just saw your post in the FB chat room -- welcome! We have two biological sons, ages 10 & 12, and a daughter who came to us from India in Dec. 2007. Right now, we have a referral for another daughter, who we hope will come home to us this autumn. Since our first daughter, we had two "misfires" or leads on children that did not end up working out -- I know the heartbreak you're feeling! I hope you'll take time to feel it and work through it . . . and that you'll return to a place of hope after that. Just wanted you to know that you have plenty of company along the journey -- it is hard, and long, but can be so beautiful. I will keep you in my prayers as you wait!
    Nancy

    ReplyDelete

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